Bull Semen For Oil is a Fair Trade

No one ever asked me if I have the solution to America's crippling dependence on foreign oil. Why this tragic oversight is a complete mystery to me.

Because if they had asked me, I would have given them the answer - the perfect solution, the long-awaited key, the omega to oil's alpha.

Bull semen.

According to an Associated Press analysis of federal government trade data, U.S. exports to Iran have grown dramatically during the last several years. That whole "Axis of Evil" thing, we've still got that going on, and we're still shaking our fists at Tehran, and still scowling darkly in their general direction.

But it hasn't hurt the free market.

We've been selling Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad all manner of goodies for the longest time now. They include cigarettes, perfume, stethoscopes, soybeans, sculptures, bras (Who knew Admadinejad even wore a bra? I had no idea.) and saxophones.

And bull semen. $12.6 million worth at last count.

And Iran's not the only nation lining up for our bull semen. In 2006, the last year I could find a comprehensive figure, the world shelled out $56.4 million for our best bull semen.

You may wonder why they would do this. Well, it turns out bull semen is surprisingly versatile. You can use it in moisturizers and hair products among other things, along with the time-honored function of producing more bovines.

There's a reason they call it "Cream Gold" and "Texas Glee."

So why stop at $56.4 million? It occurs to me that there's more where that came from. Talk about your renewable resources.

If Iran wants as many vials as it can carry, then you can bet Saudi Arabia wouldn't mind a piece of the action too. And what about Argentina? And Qatar? And Nigeria?

Is there any reason at all why America couldn't become the Kuwait of bull semen?

In 2007, the U.S. imported 3.7 billion barrels of oil. At present prices of about $150 a barrel, that comes to (And this I did with pencil and paper because I couldn't find my calculator. I hope I don't embarrass myself.) $540 billion dollars worth of oil imports. That's a lot.

But pound for pound, bull semen is right there with crude oil in value. It goes for between $3 and $100 a unit. (Disclaimer here: I don't know what kind of volume a unit is. I also don't know the difference between $3 bull semen and $100 bull semen. I suppose the $100 bull had better hair and higher SAT scores.) Splitting the difference right down the middle at $50 a unit, all we need is 10.8 billion units of bull semen exports to break even.

Surely we've got enough bulls for that, don't we? I mean, I've been all through the West. Nobody lives there. There's lots of empty space. Let's fill it up with bulls and turn this ship around.

But again - nobody asked me.