Relationship Strife? Not Any Longer!

Our subject today is health - specifically, the healthy ways to avoid relationship strife and turmoil when it comes to celebrating special days. Let’s open the mailbag.

The first question today comes from John in New Hampton. He writes: “How many special days am I on the hook for with my wife? Between flowers and gifts and dinner for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, anniversary, and others, it’s starting to bleed me dry. What did I sign up for when I got married? What are my responsibilities?”

John, let me tell you something. I share your pain. And if this disturbing and revolting trend isn’t evidence of massive collusion between the greeting card companies, winemakers, jewelers and florists of this country, I don’t know what is. You’ll never convince me otherwise. And yet what are we supposed to do about it? Forget one of those days and you’ve got a standing date with a couch and a cold shower for the foreseeable future.

The next question is from Sandra in Racine. She writes: “Just before Valentine’s Day I was invited to one of those Romance parties with my girlfriends. You know - the kind with stuff that makes a pastor’s wife blush. I was a little nervous about going, but my friends encouraged me to buy the products - one in particular that they recommended. Can I give it to my husband as a gift, even though it’s really for my pleasure? Or would he think that’s too weird?”

Too weird? Not at all, Sandra. Let me put this in baseball terms. To a guy, sharing a bottle of wine with his honey is a slow grounder to second base. Going out to dinner is a pop out to shallow center field. Including a movie in the deal makes it a long fly out to the warning track. But a product from a Romance catalog? That’s a grand slam that not only clears the fence, it clears the light tower on top of the stadium, flies into the parking lot, and smashes into the windshield of your nasty next door neighbor’s car.

This one comes from Hector in Mankato. He writes: “My wife and I agreed that we’d just give each other cards for our anniversary. I gleefully said OK. What do you think?”

What do I think, Hector? I think you’ve just gotten sucked in by one of the classic ruses of all time. You’re crazy if you think she’ll stick to the “one card and that’s it” agreement. There’s no way. She can’t help herself. She’ll give you a shirt, or a bottle of cologne, or a couple tickets to a hockey game, and when she sees you standing there holding nothing but a Hallmark card and a smile, she’ll look like Kathy Bates in "Misery" just before she swings the sledgehammer to break poor James Caan’s ankles: a mixture of hatred, fear, loathing, confusion, and white-hot resentment. Recognize that this was a test, Hector. A test that you nearly failed.

Let’s go to a letter from Beth in Jefferson City. Beth writes: “Is is too much to ask for my boyfriend to sit on the couch with me and watch a romantic movie? I told him I’d like to see Nights in Rodanthe.”

Well, that’s fine, Beth, but remember there’s a kind of barter system in play here. When I was a kid and my friends and I were trading football cards, I knew if I had a Walter Payton card it was worth at least two Wilbert Montgomerys. I knew a Fran Tarkenton was worth two Ken Stablers and one Steve Bartkowski. It’s the same thing with movies. If you choose a sappy Richard Gere flick, that entitles your boyfriend to two Jean Claude Van Dam movies, or one Nicholas Cage and one Vin Diesel. Be careful what you wish for.

Our last letter is from Dave in Peoria. He writes: “My son was born on my wife’s birthday. This means that for the next 18 years I’m excused from taking her out for the evening because we’ll be busy celebrating his birthday. How great is that?”

I tell you, Dave, on the scale of pure luck that ranks somewhere between moving in with a massage therapist and the police accidentally losing your urine sample after you spent a night partying with Michael Phelps. But don’t get carried away. If you think your son is going to want to celebrate his birthday with you till he’s 18, then you've watched too many "Leave it to Beaver" episodes. Wally may not have minded having cake and ice cream with his parents on his 18th birthday, but that kind of thing doesn’t happen anymore. I give your son till age 12 to find a better offer.

Thanks for the letters, everybody! Please read the following:

Needed: Interesting stories about weddings for possible inclusion in a book by Midwest Today writer Tim Pearson. I’m looking for stories that are funny, poignant, touching, heart-rending, disastrous, or just unique in their own special way. No story is too small or too short. I need stories about proposals, engagements, planning the wedding, the ceremonies themselves, the receptions, and the honeymoons. Maybe this is your own experience, maybe it’s a friend’s experience, maybe it’s a family member’s experience. Help me out and be part of creating a book! Contact Tim Pearson at tim.pearson@mchsi.com.

Needed: Interesting Wedding Stories for a Book

Needed: Interesting stories about weddings for possible inclusion in a book by Midwest Today writer Tim Pearson. I'm looking for stories that are funny, poignant, touching, heart-rending, disastrous, or just unique in their own special way. No story is too small or too short. I need stories about proposals, engagements, planning the wedding, the ceremonies themselves, the receptions, and the honeymoons. Maybe this is your own experience, maybe it's a friend's experience, maybe it's a family member's experience. Help me out and be part of creating a book! Contact Tim Pearson at tim.pearson@mchsi.com.