Random Olympic musings

Some random thoughts about the 2008 Summer Olympic Games:

I see where the great swimmer Michael Phelps consumes in the neighborhood of 12,000 calories per day. That may be as impressive as anything he's done in the pool. Even if you've got a conveyer belt of fried egg sandwiches and pop tarts and plates of pure lard rolling toward your mouth, you've got to work really hard to eat 12,000 calories. All is know is that if I'm in the bathroom when Michael Phelps comes in to take care of business, I head the other way, fast, and give him lots of room.

The Chinese women gymnasts are all supposed to be at least 16 years of age, although rumors continue to swirl that some of them are much younger. I'm not saying the Chinese are lying, but I have an open jar of grape jelly in the refrigerator that's older than some of those girls.

I would last no longer than five minutes playing beach volleyball before either: A) Pitching forward face-first into the sand from exhaustion and barfing, or B) Taking a spike off my forehead that lays me out cold.

My daughter Grace and I watched 10 minutes of dressage the other day. Dressage is when the rider dresses up like he's a butler at a Beverly Hills mansion, top hat and all, and bounces up and down on the back of a horse that's prancing around like its feet hurt. They don't race, they don't jump. They just bounce and prance. And bounce and prance. Dressage has to be the most boring Olympic event ever invented. That's 10 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

You know what would liven up the pistol event? Someone standing behind the shooter and randomly yelling "Hey!" as they're about to squeeze off a round.

Trampoline is an Olympic event? Really? Did any of us know this? Can Bounce House be far behind?

It was mentioned that Tug of War was an Olympic event from 1900 to 1920. Is it too much to ask that they bring this back? And the losers are forced to watch an entire day of dressage.

Why do I get the feeling that the anchors on the Tug of War teams would be female softball players?

This is my brilliant idea to spice up the last day of the Olympics: One of the traditions of Boxing Day in the British Commonwealth was that on the day after Christmas the masters and servants would change places. For that day the lord of the manor would do the gardening, or the cooking, or the cleaning, or whatever. Why can't we do this in the Olympics? On the final day, all the athletes switch sports. Why couldn't this work? Who wouldn't want to see Michael Phelps on the pommel horse? Or Kobe Bryant in a whitewater kayak? Or Serena Williams on the 10-meter diving platform? It would be fantastic. Let's take the weightlifters and throw them in the pool and see if they can swim. Let's make the archers try to pole vault. People would pay good money to see this, I'm telling you.

I caught just a little of the synchronized diving. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but (whispering here) I kind of enjoyed it.

More thoughts on a later post. Plus a running diary of George Bush at the Opening Ceremonies.