President Bush at the Olympics

First of all, I need to say something about President Bush's interview with Bob Costas in Beijing just after the Opening Ceremonies. Bob Costas has won a zillion Emmys, he's smart, well-spoken, and has full command of the English language. He's imperturbable, always efficiently coiffed, and has an IQ about 80 points higher than Bush.

Bush is...well, he's Bush. And I always react with a certain amount of glee when I see him in an unscripted situation: no teleprompters to read off of, no handlers whispering lines in his ear. It's just fantastic. I always expect him to come off like Billy Bob Thornton in "Sling Blade."

He didn't disappoint.

My second favorite moment was when he was talking about the President of Russia, and blatantly mispronounced his name. Now, I know Medvedev isn't a softball like Smith or Jones, but it's not impossible either. I tried it myself and got the hang of it after a try or two. I don't think it's asking too much for the President of the United States to know how to say the names of important people.

My single favorite moment was when Costas was asking Bush about a number of the ills facing our country - the mortgage crisis, skyrocketing national debt, low consumer confidence, the high price of food, etc. Bush interrupted to say that he didn't think America had those kinds of problems. Then he said things would be a whole lot better if China had more churches.

Costas had no idea how to respond. As soon as he could, he took it to a commercial break.

Priceless.

In honor of our President, here is my actual running diary of his activities during the Opening Ceremonies. The cameras only showed him a handful of times, unfortunately.

0:24 Bush makes his entrance into the stadium, dressed rather dapper in a sharp gray suit and a red tie. He shuffles down the stadium steps with Laura hanging onto his right arm. Amazingly, no one seems to notice him. Or cares to notice him. Not a single head turns as he passes by. He shakes hands with his next-door seat mates, a pleasant looking Chinese couple. Then he shakes hands with a bald guy in front of him who already seems sweaty. They sit down. A tall man suddenly comes into the picture. He's so tall we can't see his head on the screen. All we do know for sure is that he's standing with his crotch about three inches from Laura's face. Laura, looking uncomfortable, decides that she'd rather crane her neck back 90 degrees to look at his face rather than stare directly into his crotch. Meanwhile, Bob Costas, who can't think of anything interesting to say about W, talks about how smart W's father was.

0:41 A huge crowd of children walks onto the floor of the stadium, carrying the flag of China. The camera shifts to Bush, who is leaning across Laura to talk to Vladimir Putin. I can't read their lips very accurately, but I think it went something like this:
Bush: "Vlad, how's it hanging?"
Putin: "Fine. You know we invaded Georgia today."
Bush: "You did?"
Putin: "Yep."
Bush: "Well, alrighty then. Thank god South Carolina's OK."

1:48 The athletes of Turkmenistan march in, all dressed vaguely like Fidel Castro. Bush is shown watching intently through binoculars. This shows you what a huge sports fan Bush is. Clinton would have been scoping out a cute Chinese usher through his binoculars.

2:19 The India contingent strolls by. Meanwhile, Bush couldn't look more bored. He's taken off his suit coat and is sitting practically spread-eagled in his chair. He glares at his watch. Laura, who doesn't appear to be sitting spread-eagled, is staring blankly into space and checks her watch as soon as she sees her husband check his.

2:32 A small group of Iraqis marches in. The crowd gives them an enormous cheer. Bush gives them polite applause, clapping like his palms hurt. Laura, on the other hand, claps with wild, giddy enthusiasm, a strange grin on her face, like someone's tickling her from behind. As soon as W stops clapping, she stops clapping.

2:42 Suriname is in now. Pan to Bush, who looks slightly confused. Where's Suriname? Laura's hands are hidden behind the head of the woman sitting in front of her. She could be knitting for all I know.

2:55 Now it's Puerto Rico's turn. Bush is back to the binoculars. Does he ever let Laura take a turn with the binoculars? Everone around them in the stands is fanning themselves, trying to stay cool in the Beijing heat. Not the Bushes. And does W ever sit with his legs together? Good grief, his knees are sticking out so far he's practically tripping everyone going past him on the steps.

3:01 Here come the Americans! Love the outfits - dark blue blazers with sharp white hats. One of the Lost Boys of Sudan, Lopez Lomong, is the flag bearer. An inspired choice. The symbolism, of course, is poignant. The Bush administration has done next to nothing about the horrors of Darfur other than mouth a few half-hearted condemnations. Seeing the Americans, Bush quickly leaps to his feet, grabbing his jacket and buttoning it up. Because he knows the cameras are on him now for sure, he grabs a small American flag from somewhere and begins shaking it with his right hand, like he's a little boy watching a Memorial Day parade in Galena.

3:05 The camera catches Bush, still standing and shaking his flag, cackling like someone just told him a joke. No one else appears to be laughing. Certainly not Laura, who doesn't appear to have said anything all night long.

3:10 Thailand is marching in now. The Parade of Nations is almost over, thank goodness. Bush is clearly near the end of his rope. He's back to sitting with his knees flung out to the sides. What's with that position? Has he just had hernia surgery? He's still got the little U.S. flag in his hand, except now he's banging it against his right thigh in utter boredom and glaring straight ahead, the furrows in his forehead so deep you could plant corn.

That's it. I'm looking forward to seeing Bush at the World Series.